and I am jonesing for a work out ya'll.
Let me start this by saying I was duly warned. I was told that after being under anesthesia for prolonged periods of time that people can have issues 2 weeks in. I'm 14 days post-op today and I can now tell you that is the freaking truth.
Normally if I'm stressed or feeling blue or like a slug I can combat it by strapping on my tennis or cycling shoes or something and hitting the gym/road/pool/weights, etc. to work it out. Not having that outlet is starting to wear on me.
Umm...Yep.
**spoiler alert: overly honest very uncomfortable admission to follow**
On top of all that - the last two days I have felt like I've been hit with a ton of apathetic bricks. For those of you that know me you know that apathy is pretty much the antithesis of my personality. Feeling this way has completely freaked me out and has really taken on toll on a few that are closest to me. I was warned of post operative/anesthesia depression and while I don't feel depressed - this change in my mood and feelings is very unlike me and sometimes I feel really powerless against it. But I am aware of it and this too shall pass - and I fully believe that you are empowered over your feelings and actions all the time - that you can be proactive and prayerful and walk forward when feeling this way. So we are walking forward.
**sidenote: this admission was NOT to get anyone worried about me or for attention but to share for anyone going through this that if you do indeed feel this way - you are indeed normal. It will get better**
I continue to feel better and better but I have definitely had days where I have pushed too far and I'm still not sleeping very well at.all. so we are working on all those things.
I'm also working on still being patient with the process. I'm struggling with not getting to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I'm working on being ok relying on others more. I'm working on truly knowing that leaning on others around me in true times of need doesn't make you a burden to them - but when you don't accept help because you are too stubborn to ask or because you want to do it yourself even though you probably shouldn't - that that makes things worse. I'm working on letting people help and not feeling bad or guilty or burdensome when they do. It's certainly not because I don't value or trust those that want to help - it's because I am too stubbornly unwilling to admit I need it until I am usually so far past the point of needing help it's just too much.
I'm pretty sure there's a God lesson in that. Thanks Lord - I'll add this one the other stack of 2x4's you've had to use to pound life lessons into me when I refuse to listen or refuse to go anywhere but my own way. Thankfully those 2x4's are made of grace, mercy, love and patience along with firm teaching and reason. Thank you (and thank you to my precious family and friends) for second chances. Second impressions. Second attempts. (and third or fourth or fifth...I'm a pretty stubborn gal ya'll...and this life learning thing isn't near finished).
Continued thanks/props/champagne toasts to my hubs - he's been a rock through this even when he doesn't know it.
Also thankful for amazing friends who surround me right now with so much love and support I can't help but feel better. I am truly one blessed lucky girl.
So tomorrow is my 3rd post op appointment. The last 2 drains SHOULD be removed. Honestly I am so over these drains I cannot EVEN describe it to you. If they don't come out tomorrow - that will be a big struggle for me. That seems silly and inconsequential but ya'll - I HATE THEM. For reals. Hate. There are very few things in that category of "Things Hannah Hates" - it pretty much ends with these JP drains, realizing I'm the one that's wrong in the middle of an argument, buying something full price then it goes on sale, traffic when I drive a stick shift, passive aggressiveness, and cucumbers.
But the plan is: Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I trade MDACC 2 JP drains for a return to work and driving slip. I am going to then hopefully start back at work as tolerated/half days'ish for the rest of this week which I think will be huge for my moral. I'm a routine and schedule kind of girl. I find myself telling my patients all the time that I think the hardest parts of getting better are the very beginning and right at the end. It's like an eternal Christmas Eve afternoon. Something so awesome is right around the corner but you can't even get started with the fun stuff yet! So I'll keep ya'll updated and I covet your prayers that they do indeed come out.
We're kickin' people. And learning. And growing. And gracing.
Truly - Can I Get an Amen?
See you tomorrow.
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