The greatest day...

Today was a great day ya'll. And there's going to be a lot of pictures. You're ok with that right?

You know those days where you feel really silly for feeling a certain way...and then things change and  you feel totally better.

Ya apply that to yesterday and today's post. 

So here's how today went:

7:30 AM - Hubs got up early with me to be the #1 appointment with my surgeon today. I can tell I was really anxious about this appointment because last night I did guided relaxation exercises IN.MY.DREAMS. Literally. What does that even say about me?!? Never mind I don't want to know. Anyways... I gave my drain collection chart to my nurse - she perused it and said: "Hannah - I'll check with Dr. Crosby but I don't think these drains are coming out today." Aaaand since I am so mature and handle things totally rationally I responded like this:

She gave me a hug and said she was going to go get my Dr. at which moment Alex just hugged me tight as if on cue:

Good one hubs. 

So like 5 minutes pass and I get a knock on the door expecting Dr. Crosby and it's her nurse again. And she says

"Hannah - so we accidentally read the chart wrong - your drains are actually coming out today for sure!"
To which I responded:

Excited doesn't even begin to describe it people. 

And they did my first expansion - they only expanded 35 mls because even though it's healing - we are still being cautious with that tissue on the right side (which takes me to a total of 385 mls in the expander - I will probably get to between 400-500 before being back where I was before'ish).  So that was awesome too!

The expansion didn't hurt at all but removing the last two drains after the expanders were larger was definitely very uncomfortable (whereas I barely felt the first two that were removed last week) and I started having muscle spasms again. Thankfully they dissipated fairly quickly, I took some ibuprofen and was feeling much better in no time!

So since I'm off pain meds and have no drains - I'm back on the grid! I got my booty back home, changed my clothes, GOT THE CAR KEYS AND HEADED IN TO WORK! Booyah!

I only did half day hours (12:15-4:30) and didn't actually see any patients today but I was able to get through all my email, meet and catch up with my awesome-sauce boss and most of my super amazing team, say hi to a few of the very incredible nurses I work with and plant some thank you notes around the work place! And I felt great the whole time! 

Then I got back in my car, drove back home and now I'm just chilling. I'm definitely starting to cramp up a bit (Dr. C said I probably wouldn't start feeling any pain or spasms until later today/tonight) and hurt a little more but nothing that's not totally manageable. So the tentative plan is for me to work half days the remainder of this week and then go forward from there next week. Thank you so much to everyone who helped me, prayed for me and encouraged me this week! I can't even tell you how much it means to me! You bring me joy!

I feel like a new person. It's amazing how just getting back into even a little bit of your routine helps so.much. And it definitely helps that I'm not attached to tubes and plastic vacuum hand grenades of my own body fluids for sure. Peace out apathy - I got no place for you here. Happy girls only. 

Feelin' good. Kickin' high. Good Day.  Thank you Jesus.

Exercise give you Endorphins...

 and I am jonesing for a work out ya'll. 

Let me start this by saying I was duly warned. I was told that after being under anesthesia for prolonged periods of time that people can have issues 2 weeks in. I'm 14 days post-op today and I can now tell you that is the freaking truth. 

Normally if I'm stressed or feeling blue or like a slug I can combat it  by strapping on my tennis or cycling shoes or something and hitting the gym/road/pool/weights, etc. to work it out. Not having that outlet is starting to wear on me. 

Umm...Yep. 

**spoiler alert: overly honest very uncomfortable admission to follow**

On top of all that - the last two days I have felt like I've been hit with a ton of apathetic bricks. For those of you that know me you know that apathy is pretty much the antithesis of my personality. Feeling this way has completely freaked me out and has really taken on toll on a few that are closest to me. I was warned of post operative/anesthesia depression and while I don't feel depressed - this change in my mood and feelings is very unlike me and sometimes I feel really powerless against it. But I am aware of it and this too shall pass - and I fully believe that you are empowered over your feelings and actions all the time - that you can be proactive and prayerful and walk forward when feeling this way. So we are walking forward. 

**sidenote: this admission was NOT to get anyone worried about me or for attention but to share for anyone going through this that if you do indeed feel this way - you are indeed normal. It will get better**

I continue to feel better and better but I have definitely had days where I have pushed too far and I'm still not sleeping very well at.all. so we are working on all those things. 

I'm also working on still being patient with the process. I'm struggling with not getting to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I'm working on being ok relying on others more. I'm working on truly knowing that leaning on others around me in true times of need doesn't make you a burden to them - but when you don't accept help because you are too stubborn to ask or because you want to do it yourself even though you probably shouldn't - that that makes things worse. I'm working on letting people help and not feeling bad or guilty or burdensome when they do. It's certainly not because I don't value or trust those that want to help - it's because I am too stubbornly unwilling to admit I need it until I am usually so far past the point of needing help it's just too much. 

I'm pretty sure there's a God lesson in that. Thanks Lord - I'll add this one the other stack of 2x4's you've had to use to pound life lessons into me when I refuse to listen or refuse to go anywhere but my own way. Thankfully those 2x4's are made of grace, mercy, love and patience along with firm teaching and reason. Thank you (and thank you to my precious family and friends) for second chances. Second impressions. Second attempts. (and third or fourth or fifth...I'm a pretty stubborn gal ya'll...and this life learning thing isn't near finished). 

Continued thanks/props/champagne toasts to my hubs - he's been a rock through this even when he doesn't know it. 

Also thankful for amazing friends who surround me right now with so much love and support I can't help but feel better. I am truly one blessed lucky girl. 

So tomorrow is my 3rd post op appointment. The last 2 drains SHOULD be removed. Honestly I am so over these drains I cannot EVEN describe it to you. If they don't come out tomorrow - that will be a big struggle for me. That seems silly and inconsequential but ya'll - I HATE THEM. For reals. Hate. There are very few things in that category of "Things Hannah Hates" - it pretty much ends with these JP drains, realizing I'm the one that's wrong in the middle of an argument, buying something full price then it goes on sale, traffic when I drive a stick shift, passive aggressiveness, and cucumbers. 

But the plan is: Tomorrow at 7:30 AM I trade MDACC 2 JP drains for a return to work and driving slip. I am going to then hopefully start back at work as tolerated/half days'ish for the rest of this week which I think will be huge for my moral. I'm a routine and schedule kind of girl. I find myself telling my patients all the time that I think the hardest parts of getting better are the very beginning and right at the end. It's like an eternal Christmas Eve afternoon. Something so awesome is right around the corner but you can't even get started with the fun stuff yet! So I'll keep ya'll updated and I covet your prayers that they do indeed come out. 

We're kickin' people. And learning. And growing. And gracing. 

Truly - Can I Get an Amen?

See you tomorrow. 

So this is what I did today...

Alex and I went to Italy in May. I'm home all day by myself.... So I finally got around to getting our vacation photo book together and ordered. I had never done one of these before! Man are they time consuming! Makes me thankful for every penny we paid our wedding photographer to do this for us...

Click here to view this photo book larger

Turn your favorite photos into a photo book at Shutterfly.com.

Miss Independent

Whew ya'll - the last 48 hrs have been a whirlwind! My AMAZING mother in law was here Sunday-Thursday morning helping me which I cannot even thank her enough for. Then Hubs got some not very fun food poisoning from a Dominos pizza so between him and me we have been an pretty pathetic adventurous household the last two days! Thankfully he is back on his feet feeling like his old self and went back to work today.



Soooo...that means today is my first.day.solo. Independence'ish day people.

                                    



That's right people I'm off the leash today. And by off the leash I can't drive or walk long distances so I'm binge watching So You Think You Can Dance and eating peanut butter out of the jar. But I can do that ALL.BY.MYSELF. Oh ya.

I'm a pretty independent soul guys - so I'm psyched.

Also - in the last 3 days I have been able to:

•  put my own hair up in a clip
•  be out and about for 4-5 hours 
•  shower and shave independently
•  handle the drains independently
•  sleep for longer than a typical newborn at night
•  nap less than a typical newborn 
•  do half a dressing change 
•  button my own pants
•  fit back into my pants now that all the extra IV fluids and narcotics are fully out of my system 
•  open and close the doors (including the pocket doors and car door!)
•  put make up on 
•  buckle my own seat belt 
•  fill my own bottle of water (although I admittedly still milk this one a bit when I just don't feel like getting up...don't tell k?)
• carry small items around the house
• sort of make the bed/clean up around the house 
• open my fort knox inspired people proof pill bottle of antibiotics by smashing the lid against the kitchen table upside down and twisting that way...I am one special resourceful duck ya'll

Pictorally (because I am making that a thing) I am shooting to look something not like...

So we are making progress here! I'm showing up with the hostess gift since I can't do much else cohostessing a baby shower for my dearest oldest friend tomorrow who is expecting a beautiful precious baby girl with her hubby. I mean who doesn't love an excuse to love on your friends while you get to ogle the tiniest cutest stuff people can make while eating cake and drinking pink punch?!? Right?!? I love all things party (wedding, baby, birthday, dance break, Thursday, whatever) so I'm excited! And my precious mom got me a dress that I can wear with the drains in and not look like a science experiment (THANK YOU MOM!!!) after a very hilarious trip through my overabundant closet and coming up with bupkis that I could wear comfortably since I still can't really do pull over stuff, have anything fitted around my torso so all my regular tailored button downs are out and we live in the summer jungle sauna that is Houston. So I'm excited for that!

So here's to being independent'ish today! Hope ya'll have a great day!

And to make you smile - watch this video. I was literally cracking up so hard it was painful this morning: 

            



Happy Friday!

Well you win some you lose some...

Post op #2 was today. Good appointment. My surgeon is out of town so I saw the PA. A brief summation:

The Wins:
1. The tissue on the right side is healing! Hooray! They said things are looking good and it should hopefully just continue to heal over the coming weeks and months.

2. I have 2 small blisters (1 on each side) but they are not concerned with it.

3. My nips survived ya'll - healing nicely and look like they are getting good vascular flow. This is very likely a TMI moment for most of you but it is a glory hallelujah moment for me so you get to know about it #sorrynotsorry

4. I was technically able to do a fill on the tissue expanders today but we are holding off until next week to allow more healing to that right sided skin/tissue before stretching it back out

5. My PA estimates it should only take 2-4 fills at most to get me to where I want to be/close to where I was before (which is all I want...no Dolly Parton special for me guys nosir) which we will do in 1-2 week intervals so it's possible in 4-6 weeks I'll be done with expansions and can just start my countdown to implants

6. I can sleep in a semi-sidelying position as I'm comfortable if I am supported with pillows. This adventure is getting figured out TONIGHT

7. I can move from 5 lbs or less to 8 lbs or less weight bearing as tolerated

8. I can start lifting my hands above my head to include blow drying and straightening my hair - CANIGETAFREAKIN'AMEN?!?

The mom-says-I-should-say-opportunities-for-growth-and-learning losses:
1. Only two of the four drains came out. While I knew this was likely what was going to happen I had allowed myself to get excited about the possibility of them all coming out because of how little they were producing. They are concerned that if they take all 4 out at the same time that I could have some adverse effects and would end up having to come back in to have one replaced (um no thank you) so the first two came out today and the other two will come out at my next post-op appointment next Wednesday.

2. I'm not going to get to start driving or going back to work until after my appointment next Wednesday...and I am OVER this being the invalid patient business (back to the whole patience with the process thing in the last post). My work is being so so amazing and patient and understanding and supportive with me. I am so blessed to work where I work. So I'm supposed to trade them some drains for a return to work slip and will hopefully/I plan to start back half days'ish next week and build from there. Fingers crossed!

So I'm admittedly really bad at math but 8 pros vs 2 cons isn't bad. I'll take it. So here's to another week rollin' with the homie's ya'll!

The top 10 reflections of a one week old...

Not really (especially because my amazing sister currently has a 6 week old who is the cutest-most-precious-niece-baby-to ever-grace-the-planet-the-end and she can tell you firsthand that caring for an ACTUAL baby is WAY harder...and cuter...than dealing with your acting like a total baby sometimes recovering adult sister/wife/friend/daughter/person). Either way we are one week into this gig and here are some things I have learned along the way. If you are going through this process your experience will likely differ from mine in your own journey way - but if you're like me you will...

1. Never be humbled like this by just everything. I've had knee surgery and I had my gall bladder taken out which put me out for a bit and I relied on others quite a bit but nothing ya'll NOTHING has humbled me like this surgery. I am not typically the person that sits around and has others take care of it all. I love to be the hostess, to coordinate, to help, to bring the meal, to buy the presents, to do whatever. I'm not a stay all day in my PJs and will you please hand me my water bottle oh yes and even though you just sat down I need you to help me back up because I need to go to the bathroom...and I need you to open and close the DANG POCKET DOOR too (on a side note I can almost do this on my own as of today with the power of the toes and sliding my hands flat against it so I'm not pulling).

2. Never be so overwhelmed with grace and love of the ones around you. I could seriously write a book on this after just this week of thanks for the grace and love our family and friends have shown us. Sometimes it will be overwhelming in an OMG-I'm-so-thankful way. Sometimes it will be overwhelming in an OMG-if-I-don't-get-to-be-by-myself-for-5-seconds-soon-I'm-gonna-freak-out-way. It's a bit of a roller coaster. Just ride it. Don't freak out. Everything around you is being done out of love. Even if it feels totally out of your comfort zone to be served like this (like me) - just do what a sweet friend told me to do "and just smile and say thank you." Just accept and do that. It will get you far in life.

3. Thank sweet baby Jesus for whoever invented tunic PJ shirts. If you have this procedure - GET THESE. Pants are not your amigo this week amiga. If you're like me you will be relishing in the no pants dance (the very unsexy kind) for at least 4-5 days.

4. Pray for the day you can sleep in any other freaking position but flat or semi reclined on your back. If you're already a back sleeper - get on with yo bad self. I am not. I literally burrow myself on my belly UNDERNEATH the pillows on our bed and am covered completely like a hibernating sleeping (baylor) bear. I feel like I am preparing for a role in the walking dead or the munster's family reunion or something sleeping on my back. Hate.it. but getting better at it. Still can't wait to flip like an overdone pancake though the moment my Dr gives me the OK- you better believe.

5. Not feel like your body is your own. And be really really really grossed out with some of it. I currently have 4 drains in (two on either side...PRAYING these get taken out tomorrow at my post op appointment). Ummm drains are so so so so SO gross. And a pain in the CAPITAL A**.

You will not fit any your even big regular button downs while you have them in (insert a major thank you to hubs for not complaining about my unapologetic stealing of a few of his old dress shirts - which I rock with my work out shorts. #sexyright #notsomuch).

My mom is a nurse, my dad is a doctor, I am a therapist - I do body fluids pretty well but there is just something completely disgusting about your own body fluids. Maybe you will handle this better than I do dear one but if you don't - you can come complain about it to me. I will fist pump you in agreement.

6. Be so thankful for naps. And you will be mentally sorry for every time you fought your mom or kindergarten teacher (because we still took naps in kinder when I did it) on naps. Nap hard ladies. No shame.

7.  Be so thankful for extra pillows. MDACC let me take ALL THE PILLOWS from my hospital bed (which was 4) and I have use them constantly from sleeping to padding the seat belt in the car to helping prop up my iPad on my lap in a more comfortable way. I don't care if these get dirty or gross or collapse or anything. If you are offered your hospital pillows and they are decent - take em like it's a BOGO deal in the shoe section. You can never have enough.

8. Be INTIMATELY more familiar with people you never thought you would be. And these people will not even be fazed by helping you shower, or shave, or put on pants or change dressings on your boobs or anything. People that love you are really amazing. Let them be amazing. Even when it's uncomfortable for you. I mean at this point my mom and my mother in law and my best friend have all helped me out (in addition to hubby of course). Um can you get any closer than your mother in law doing dressing changes? #ithinkno. On a secondary note - THANK YOU JESUS for putting a mom in my life that is a champ like no other and a mother in law in my life that loves me like her own, that I get to love just as much and that I am able to get along with so well. I know this is not the case for everyone but I hope it is and I had to give some major props again to these ladies. I am blessed.

9. Start to appreciate the many different phases of bad hair days and really not care that much that you kind of look like you could be interviewed on the news for a post tornado recovery special and fit riiiight in. O ladies - I have super long very thick hair. This has started to become an epic thing.

10. Have good days. And bad days. And in between days. And moments of all of those in each day. You will hurt and feel better. You will feel helpless and mighty. You will feel very not beautiful and be proud of your body all at the same time. You will feel anxious and worry- in those moments precious friend I pray you are able to fall on the Lord and be held in his hands and find peace. I have dwelt on the scripture in Deut. 31:6 and 31:8 and Isaiah 41. He calls us by name. We are his.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:8
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

I pray you are able to adopt what my surgeon said when I semi-freaked-out last Friday when she expressed her concern about the tissue on the right side and she said -Hannah - it's your body - we have taken good care of it and you and we are doing our best. We will have to watch it heal as it heals and we will do everything in our power to get you excellent outcomes which we fully expect. Just let your body heal. Be patient. Ya....patience...not so good at that one with anything dealing with myself. So allow yourself all these things. Feel these things and and the end of the day let it go. You have done your best. You are in excellent hands. And tomorrow will come and you will continue to heal and you know what? It really really will be ok. NO matter what. So breathe. God's got this. And in the meantime you get to take what is probably one of the only moments in your life where it is COMPLETELY acceptable for you to literally sit on the couch eating bonbons. Life is like a box of chocolates peeps - a really really blessed box of chocolates. I think Forest got it right.

Have a great Tuesday everyone! Post Op #2 is tomorrow so I'll keep you posted on that one.

Kick high today!
-H