Alex and I both agreed last week truly felt like one of the longest weeks of our lives.
Our/my tank(s) are low. We/I are/am exhausted. And blessed. And overwhelmed (in good ways and bad). And just....ya...
Let's unpack it a bit shall we -
We got back from vacation 3 days before my surgery. It was a great week with Alex's family in North Carolina at the outer banks enjoying each other and celebrating his grandfather's 90th birthday. I cherish these weeks each summer and am so grateful that we have the opportunity and blessing to be with family in such a beautiful place.
We also came back on Father's Day. That was hard. A much harder day than I had anticipated.
We are in the middle of trying to buy/close on our first house, set up moving and trying to find someone to sublet our apartment for the remainder of our lease. So ummm ya that's stressful on it's own.
Basically I sort of feel like I am going through life akin to something that looks like:
and I would really love for it to not progress to a full blown:
Ok that's being a little melodramatic but you get my point...
Surgery and recovery has gone well - I do have a mild post op infection at a few of the fat grafting sites but everyone in this house can all agree that bigger was definitely better in this situation. I am exactly as big as I was before my mastectomy and cosmetically things are much improved and the few red spots I had post op are healing very nicely. I'm still on weight restriction and can't work out yet except walks but I have my next post op on July 9 so I'll update after that!
Then Saturday (June 27) we had my Dad's memorial service. It had been delayed for quite a few reasons and it was a beautiful service celebrating the amazing grace that restores us all in Christ Jesus our Savior. It was also 10zillion times harder than I thought it was going to be. I came home after more exhausted than I've felt in this whole process and slept for 5 straight hours.
I'm still struggling and missing my Dad a lot. I am back at work this week in my normal'ish routine (still can't work out yet but that's coming) so that is helping but my heart hurts. I was talking to my sister about it today (who has officially surpassed me in the maturity and dealing with stuff level...she's pretty amazing. I am so thankful for her) and I think she put it so well when she said that through this process you have so many moments where you want to scream out thanks and gratefulness to Dad and for who he was and became...but there is no one to thank. You are just left empty handed with empty thanks...and empty hearts and empty hands. I know that the Lord fills those places of emptiness and grief and questioning of the "why's" with his peace and joy that truly passes all understanding and I find so much encouragement in each day where/when his joy does indeed come in the morning. But the emptiness is sly...emptiness is a creepster...emptiness snatches you at the moments where you don't expect and drags you in...And by the grace of God we are met where were are, we are filled by faith and walk by faith and not by sight- knowing we are not made for this world and that we are restored and will see Dad again someday.
I took home this ginormous flower arrangement from the funeral. It was stunning and I couldn't bear to see it go to waste so we crammed it in my jetta and put it right on our table in our little garage apartment. It fit right in (sarcasm).
I paired it down today to what was left living. I kind of love that all that was left of that enormous arrangement was purple and gold (Geaux Tigers right Dad?), two pink roses and a thistle...for some reason I find some pretty awesome symmetry in that.
So I'm sorry for the bummer post ya'll but that's where we are right now. I promise to get back to the more bubbly, joyous posts of yore but for now I'm just being where I am. Thanks for being there too.
And we must end on a happier note so HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY weekend everyone! Be safe, blow something up (at a safe distance away from anything flammable or you know - alive) and celebrate the awesomeness that is our independence! See you guys next week!
